Thursday, July 5, 2007

tired AND still trying

It's 3am exactly. I don't know if I'm going to get to sleep tonight. It's not for lack of desire. I want to sleep. I want a normal life where things are good and I'm not constantly sabotaging myself. I recently had it... for about two days. I had balance. I wasn't obsessing on anything.. or if I was, I was able to keep it in check. I felt grounded, light, things felt direct, simple, normal. Then the nightmares came, as they always do when I begin to gain this balance.

I took a nap today, a little extra sleep to further the balancing cause. It was a lovely day before that. Breakfast out with my family, a pit stop at one of my favorite stores with Daddy to keep the babe happy, then on to the park for fun and games. Dad had a nap, then mom and babe.

Three hours later I woke up shaking, feeling drugged, barely able to make myself get out of bed. The only thing that kept me persistent was the sound of my babe crying sobs in Daddy's arms downstairs.

Ugghhh.. the nightmares.. One where I was going insane screaming at and hitting my husband.. one where people kept getting shot with machine guns.. one with suicide bombers that kept replaying from different angles.. one with a mysterious dead body found in my basement (I don't really have a basement). It's doesn't really matter what the dreams are about.. they are always just gruesome and violent enough to shake me up and make me loose balance.

I don't feel afraid at the moment. I'm not filled with that terror that follows you around all day like when your a kid and have really bad dreams. Maybe it's because I'm use to it now. Whatever the reason, it's not fear that keeps me from going to bed. I just can't. I can't move myself. It's the strangest thing in the world.

The absolute worst thing about this is that tomorrow, when I'm alone with my babe, tired beyond any common sense, I will know that I'm not being the mom my son deserves, just like all the other days I can't find that balance, and I will know it's something within me that makes it so. That kills me.

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