Monday, August 15, 2005

Pregnancy Journal Entry #2 : Preconception

Sunday August 14, 2005 4pm
I’ve been concerned, annoyed and pissed as well, that Kevin hasn’t been as excited about finding out as soon as possible whether or not we are pregnant right now. I knew it wasn’t likely to be an issue to not wanting to have a baby, or being scared. I knew that he was ready. We’ve talked about it and evolved emotionally together on it. That’s how things usually happen for us. We tend to be in the same place at the same time. I think that’s why it’s so strange when we are not. So, I knew it wasn’t something big like that, but I still didn’t know why he seemed so apathetic about doing a home preg test. I felt annoyed, and pissed, and confused. Turns out he really didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was, but that he was feeling like “What’s the rush?” After some discussion we discovered that he felt like it was all turning into a science experiment instead of something that naturally came out of our love for one another. He had envisioned us thinking about testing only after we had realized that I was late. Not what we had been doing which was counting the days from when conception could have happened to the first possible day that the pregnancy could have shown up on the most sensitive home test. He didn’t want to be aware of every possible symptom or signal that my body produced and then immediately run to a test either.
Once I knew all this I completely understood where he was coming from and I think I that I mostly felt the same way. The difference for me was that I felt like we would get pregnant in one of three ways. The first would be immediately, because we are just really really fertile. The second would be that it would take a few months and would happen once we weren’t thinking about it all the time. The third would be having infertility problems and needing some help. During this first month of trying I couldn’t help but think about it all the time. “Am I pregnant? Is it going to happen that fast? What’s happening inside my body?” And so I wanted to know if it was going to happen right away. After that I knew I would be able to relax and realize its going to take some time. I think Kevin thought I was going to be like this all the time, that I would want to test every-other-day, or something equally as daunting. Who could blame him? Not me. So, we took a test last night and it was negative. I really thought I would be more disappointed than I was. I mean, I would have been overjoyed if it was positive, and really a little relieved. But, now I get that it might take some time and now I can relax and see what happens.
There’s always this little concern in the back of my mind that we might have a hard time getting pregnant… that it will take longer than I want it to (by end of summer), but I’m trying to cross that bridge when/if I (we) get to it. Everyone keeps saying that we will get pregnant on our trip to Kauai in September. I remember thinking the same thing when we decided to go.

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