Saturday, September 15, 2007

I am so $%#@&* up sometimes ~

but then who isn't, right? Oh please say yes. Please?!

I've been alternating between the temptation to wear my faults and struggles openly on my proverbial sleeve, or be smart, rational, and self-protective by keeping that shit to myself. Conclusions? None. It's in me to do both. I've had experience doing both. I've had good and not so good outcomes doing both. I feel so compelled to be so brutally honest about myself, and the urgency of it makes me wonder if not doing it is what has kept me from being able to create to my satisfaction lately.

There is this high I get from creating that is hard to explain. It's, maybe, the kind of high you get when you bungee jump or walk a tight rope for the first time. I've never done these things but my intuition is telling me there is a resemblance. There isn't the obvious physiological endorphin rush, but there is this sense of finding that you could do something risky that you didn't know you could do. All creation is risky, not to life and limb, but to the eternally fragile ego. Taking that giant leap and doing something a bit different with your art is huge. It's huge every time, everyday. Success is sensationally gratifying. Failure... ughh... failure is... difficult.

Lately I've not so much been failing as I've just not been successful. It's creative purgatory I guess. Things have been working out fine. I've been producing "art" but it's just not been good enough to get me that high, to gratify me. I told my husband that it was a lot like (and MIL you might not want to read this next line as it will certainly make you blush)not being able to cum no matter what you do. You can get really close and then the bottom drops out. That's what I'm feeling with my art. I just can't seem to push beyond what I've already done.

So what sin have I committed, what offense against the muse, that has gotten me kicked out of creative heaven and sent to purgatory? Is it this honesty thing? Is it this choice to not curate a display of my own baggage? I wonder, would a taste of honesty help? It's worth an experiment at least.

Top 10 things about me that are $%#@&* up sometimes: (in no particular order)
1. I am very flaky when it comes to keeping commitments (usually with friends)
2. I am tremendously good at self sabotage
3. I genuinely forget that people love me
4. I tease my husband all the time about cheating on me (because how much he loves me is too perfect and something has to come along to mess it up)
5. I HATE small talk & the things that most women like to talk about which makes it hard for me to get to know new people
6. I'm spoiled and lazy about doing things I just don't want to do (like cleaning)
7. I genuinely don't understand social relationships sometimes and it really makes me want to become a crazed, long haired, stinky, mountain woman
8. I feel guilty all the time
9. I don't stand up for myself often enough
10.I hate that all these things make me feel weak.

Alright universe, I await the results.


Larissa said...

Wow, another profound and powerful posting. You are definitely taking risks...It sounds like your intuition is pointing you in the right direction, doing the inner work to eventually break through to the goal line of your creative work. For me, the more I have pushed to get off of plateaus (like when I was singing), the more I've become frustrated, fearful and less productive. I can't say that I necessarily have practiced this well, but I remember reading that when one reaches a the plateau so to speak, don't judge but keeping practicing, and do the inner work to deal with what comes up...Ha easier said than done, right!?

melissa said...

oh wow, easily more then half your list could be straight from a list I'd make. (although I don't say i'd be a mountian woman I always picture myself in a Yurt on the plains)

Larissa sounds right about that plateau I just got off one and can feel the hill leveling out again but I just try to keep on keeping on and keep faith (a small little flame inside myself that it's worth doing because I want to do it and that is good enough) that it'll be the most needed step to make it to the next peak :)

(love your work and your blog)