Thursday, September 17, 2009

washed up.


I pretty much hate everything I have produced, by way of artful photography, in the last six months!!!

An exaggeration? Yes, somewhat. But the emotional impact is much the same. I’ve been floundering, flailing, and failing for a while now.

one also

I’ve talked about it before. Then I stopped. I really haven't wanted to belly ache about it here, over and over. If I felt tired of writing about it, you had to be sick of hearing [seeing] it.

So, instead, I waiting. I waited, I prodded, I absorbed other’s art, their process. Nothing. I stopped thinking about art for a while and focused on other things [well that was the plan but I can’t for the life of me remember what I focused on]. Nothing. It’s driving me mad.

cherry tomato copy

Last night, before what would become another sleepless night, I jokingly, sulking-ly, said to my husband “I have no art. If I have no art, I have no purpose, no soul.”

I intended to be melodramatic, hoping it would expedite the purging of the feelings of futility that were overcoming me. After the words left my mouth, I realized they were emotionally true. I do, of course, have a purpose on this earth other than making art… being a mama is only one of them.

But, art is for me. It’s all mine. It’s what centers me, what balances me. Without art I am living, but really only half alive.


So, against my better judgment, I put these feelings out into the universe, via this space, hoping that they might jar something loose…… and if nothing else, knowing that if I don’t write them here, I won’t write anything at all.



well the blog is supposed to be a place for notes like this. at least I think so.
and well I am one of your art's fans. a big one!


Courtnay J said...

Realizations help us move forward in life! I'd say you're compass is pointed in the right direction. :o)


Anonymous said...

i feel exactly the same way - i WANT to create but i am stumped and then when i am in the midst of it i feel like i am not giving it my all and the end result is lackluster crap....even though it's the one.true.thing (besides my boys) that makes me happy...i, will for the time being, blame the moon for the blahs
bravo to you for putting your heartfelt feelings out there.......

The Garden Ms. S said...

You know water. The best photos of water ever - on this blog. That's art.

jennifer lorton said...

I completely admire your honesty. I don't agree with you, but I appreciate that you shared your thoughts. Your art is beautiful to me, and hopefully it will be beautiful to you again too.

Victoria Bennett Beyer said...

I don't know you well enough to know what you have or have not produced lately, but that second photo on the post below - looks like a macro of some water - is really amazing.

If you have produced art that makes your soul feel whole before, I'm sure you will again. We all get in a rut now and then and sometimes they last a long time. I can't suggest any remedies, but you should take comfort in the certainty that you will make it back around to a place in your life where you are productive again. The changing of the seasons right now makes me think of plants that go dormant so they can make it to the next season. Maybe your inner artist is just dormant. You have a lot of talent and a lot of people agree on that. Don't be too discouraged.