We are moving…. finally… already…. next week!
Or, that’s the plan anyway. And I don’t mind saying that I’m getting a bit misty eyed about it. I am ridiculously sentimental, historically at least. (I’ve even, on occasion, felt a tug at my heart at the end of a school semester.) I’m mellowing with age. My sentimentalism is becoming more specific, more appropriately reserved for the people, events, places, things that have had a real and lasting impact on my life.
The tricky part of all of this is that I’m not very comfortable sharing this with others. I’m very stoic. I can mask just about any emotion, at any intensity, for any length of time, even when I don’t want to. It’s a blessing and a curse kind of thing. People who have met me in person in the last 10 years or more, I don’t think, know how sensitive I am. I think it’s part of the reason I love blogging so much. It’s so much easier to be myself here.
I am quickly doing battle, on my own behalf, to break out of the comfort of stoicism and tell people that I will miss them. Typically, in the past, I would swear to myself that I’d write a letter, or call, or whatever, after I’d gone, after the intensity of the moment is past and I can gain composure. But it never comes about. I know that once I get on that plane to Seattle I will never be back here, back with these people, in quite the same way. I will never be able to go home again. Not saying goodbye in this context means never having those wonderful moments of … you have meant so much to me …you have taught me so much …you inspire me …I will miss you more than you know …can we try to keep in contact? etc.
I know I don’t want those things left unsaid. I know I don’t want those things to go unheard.
I move deliberately. I change slowly. Usually.
But, given the urgency of the moments ahead, I’m trying hard to find the courage to take a giant flying leap and be honestly, hopelessly, slovenly emotional, as needed.
Any advice? Any like minded souls out there?
*(the photos in this post are just something I’ve been playing around with. I don’t know that they will turn into anything. I got the idea from Jen Gotch’s photo strips on her web site. She is really an incredible photographer. I have so much respect for her work. I don’t know what I will do with these, if anything. I’ve had the urge to work on putting a book together, really just because I think it would be fun, but I can’t quite think of the right idea. Maybe doing these feels a little like pages in a book, and is helping to quench a thirst")
**My blog entries may become a little sporadic in the next two weeks. I really loved doing a post everyday last week around a central topic and I’m hoping to do that again as the dust settles. Blogging really keeps me sane, so I will be back here as much as possible, even if I’m the only one to hear me. It’s so humbling to know that anyone reads these words that I find it almost unbelievable.