Wednesday, January 28, 2009


We are moving…. finally… already…. next week!


Or, that’s the plan anyway. And I don’t mind saying that I’m getting a bit misty eyed about it. I am ridiculously sentimental, historically at least. (I’ve even, on occasion, felt a tug at my heart at the end of a school semester.) I’m mellowing with age. My sentimentalism is becoming more specific, more appropriately reserved for the people, events, places, things that have had a real and lasting impact on my life.


The tricky part of all of this is that I’m not very comfortable sharing this with others. I’m very stoic. I can mask just about any emotion, at any intensity, for any length of time, even when I don’t want to. It’s a blessing and a curse kind of thing. People who have met me in person in the last 10 years or more, I don’t think, know how sensitive I am. I think it’s part of the reason I love blogging so much. It’s so much easier to be myself here.


I am quickly doing battle, on my own behalf, to break out of the comfort of stoicism and tell people that I will miss them. Typically, in the past, I would swear to myself that I’d write a letter, or call, or whatever, after I’d gone, after the intensity of the moment is past and I can gain composure. But it never comes about. I know that once I get on that plane to Seattle I will never be back here, back with these people, in quite the same way. I will never be able to go home again. Not saying goodbye in this context means never having those wonderful moments of … you have meant so much to me …you have taught me so much …you inspire me …I will miss you more than you know …can we try to keep in contact? etc.


I know I don’t want those things left unsaid. I know I don’t want those things to go unheard.


I move deliberately. I change slowly. Usually.

But, given the urgency of the moments ahead, I’m trying hard to find the courage to take a giant flying leap and be honestly, hopelessly, slovenly emotional, as needed.


Any advice? Any like minded souls out there?

*(the photos in this post are just something I’ve been playing around with. I don’t know that they will turn into anything. I got the idea from Jen Gotch’s photo strips on her web site. She is really an incredible photographer. I have so much respect for her work. I don’t know what I will do with these, if anything. I’ve had the urge to work on putting a book together, really just because I think it would be  fun, but I can’t quite think of the right idea. Maybe doing these feels a little like pages in a book, and is helping to quench a thirst")

**My blog entries may become a little sporadic in the next two weeks. I really loved doing a post everyday last week around a central topic and I’m hoping to do that again as the dust settles. Blogging really keeps me sane, so I will be back here as much as possible, even if I’m the only one to hear me. It’s so humbling to know that anyone reads these words that I find it almost unbelievable.


sunmamma said...

The pictures are gorgeous!!!

I am very much like you in that way. I am extremely emotional but I am master of hiding it. I wish I didn't. I wish I could express myself better. Don't have advise for you. Just hugs!!!!! (see it's easier to express here in blog land isn't it?)

xo Sebrina

Grey Street Girl said...

Ooh, I really love these little strips. They're perfect on the round-cornered white squares. Great job!

kendalee said...

I also tend to be more stoic and reserved in the real world, with all but my closest friends and family. Emotions kept mostly inside, deep and protected. And I too have found my blog space a safe one, one where I can be surprisingly emotionally free and expressive. I have also found a connection there (and here) that has bought me pleasure and comfort and a deep sense of peace at showing my true self - vulnerabilities and all. I find it easier to reach out too and I have also wondered how this might translate into the real world, and considered why I am so much more cautious there. It's about protecting myself, no doubt. I don't know if this is true for you but if it is then perhaps the way to go is by considering risk... And managing that.

I'm not sure if this qualifies as advice Rachel, 'cause it's not from experience just an idea, but maybe it's worth reaching out to those you believe will be most receptive first. When they are delighted to see and hear how much you care (why would they not be?), and reciprocate (as they almost certainly will), their reactions might encourage you on to the next one, and the next one...

And I guess the other question to ask is which discomfort will be worse? The one bought about by doing this, by risking it, or the discomfort bought about by the regret of not doing it?

Oh, and I LOVE the pictures!!! I'd by a book with pages like this.

curious girl (lisa) said...

first of all, your photos are just stunning!

I am a bit of a stoic as well, except for joy and anger, which fly out of me like bubbles and fire. the softer, sadder emotions are shuttered inside. this is one of the reasons why I started blogging, to explore the soft and vulnerable.

I am happy to be sharing this journey with you.