Sunday, December 21, 2008

say it again...


Everywhere I look I see mess
I see plates of food, listlessly uneaten, ignored, unnurtured.
I see cups, magazines, trash that needs to go out. Tomorrow maybe.
I see toys, pieces of toys, objects not meant for it but used as toys.
I see vacuuming that needs to be done, hear laundry calling from the second floor,
smell the diaper pail, hear the muted crunch of my feet on the dust on the floor instead of that
sweet clean squeek.
Everywhere I turn it faces me, lunges out at me, taunts me.
I will never catch up. I will never be free. I will never be what I was suppose to be.

And then
I breathe.
I breathe in the stale air, shut in by winter's temps.
I breathe in circumstance
I breathe in chaos, imperfection, disappointment, rage,
and I see
that all is how it is
and how it is is how it should be
because nothing matters but the day,
the night, the seconds that pass and change a.m. to p.m.
It's now, here, where I should be,
with all my faults
all my dis-ease
all accepted
as part of a glowing warmth known as love.

I am an imperfect person.
I am struggling.
I am okay that way.
I am sane.
Say it again so that I can remember.
I am sane.


kendalee said...

Just dropped by to wish you well over the holidays Rachel... I hope you have a lovely, peaceful time with your family!

PS - for what it's worth, I think perfection's overrated and recognising and embracing imperfection is a sure sign of sanity!! Insane to deny reality, which tends to chaos... :)

Anonymous said...

clutter and chaos show depth of character
we are artists. we can't help it.
my kids showed up for christmas today and thought i threw out the dining table
it's covered with photos & art supplies & they just couldn't see it.
(oh the stories they'll tell when i'm gone......)

daniela said...

i am sane.
i am sane.
i am sane.

thank you for this. the timing impeccable. i will unfurl now from the ball i was just in. thank you.